I report on this years summer fête with a strange sense of disquietude following the unlikely incidents of unrest that has left a dark stain on what we would have expected to be another successful event.
The sabotage of the wheelbarrow display equipment was an act of wanton mischief by persons unknown and appears to be the starting point of much of the mayhem that followed. From what we have pieced together, it was the runaway wheel from barrow three that dislodged the legs of the trestle table displaying the trophies and sent the lid of the Purfitt Cup on a wibbly trajectory across the prize winners area, where it startled Denis Underhay’s Irish wolfhound (also named Denis) who took off across the display area at great speed. Unfortunately, Denis (the dog) was tied to Mrs. Underhay’s field chair which was yanked from beneath her, hitting little Noel Piszczek, whose grazed arm was swiftly attended to by Mrs. Taret with a lichen poultice and a scoop of ice cream from Skinner’s Ice Cream stand.
Mrs. Underhay was was not hurt, but very embarrassed as she fell into the lap of Brian ‘Foxy’ Mulgrew. Mr. Mulgrew was, by his own admission, quite the worse for wear after visiting the Drewery’s ‘Turpentent’ Whenever there was a staff changeover. Mr. Mulgrew took advantage of Mrs. Underhay landing upon him and, not missing an opportunity for mischief, grabbed her tightly around the waist, and rolled over and over, roly-poly style, until they collided with the pole that the PA speakers were supported upon.
One of the speakers fell from the 9 foot pole landing on the compère’s station, and particularly on the right hand of our compère Unwin S. Schreiber, who instinctively leapt backwards and unfortunately collided wth Elsie Smokepipe’s Bontempi organ. The Bontempi was undamaged, unlike Mrs. Smokepipe, who was at the time playing ‘Colonel Bogey’ for the synchronised wheelbarrow display.
Mrs. Smokepipe is currently being comforted by relatives in Wiggenhall St. Germans and will soon rejoin the faithful at St. Polycarp’s just as soon as her cast is removed.
Mr. Schreiber is currently recuperating in his caravette with a complimentary bottle of Drewery’s Bicentennial Turpentine and has asked for no further sympathy.
Again, persons unknown are thought to have snuck into the tent shortly after the area was closed in preparation for the judges and made mischief with the displays. Unfortunately, this was not discovered until after the judging which started the first altercations.
A scuffle broke out between Des Vigrass and Peter Furcleby who both were convinced that the other was behind the subterfuge. This was swiftly broken up by other contestants, but just as this pair were becalmed, further scuffles erupted around the tent and this usually refined area of our our summer fete was reduced to utter mayhem.
Although there were no serious injuries sustained, there were a few vegetable shaped bruises amongst the crowd, and reports have been made of an apparent cucumber sword fight and a fairly rough thrashing with a large handful of spring onions. Our thanks to all those who helped to break up the multitude of individual fights and re-establish decorum and discipline.
Indeed, each of the categories had been tampered with in some way, indicating that this was a very well planned act of sabotage, as these were much more sophisticated and required a great deal of preparation in order achieve as much as they did in the short time whilst the aforementioned distraction over the produce was in progress. I have been asked not to disclose some the things that had been done to the entries whilst this is being investigated, but can illustrate the scale of the operation by divulging that all six lemon cakes had had all the buttercream removed and carefully replaced with some sort of mustard-based paste, which rendered two of the judges indisposed for several hours after tasting.
Again, the judges declared the contest as null and void and have called for some sort of enquiry to be mounted to get to the bottom of it all.
Several people are currently being questioned about their involvement and Sargeant Maurice Dack of North Norfolk Constabulary is confident that those responsible will be identified and be subjected to the full extent the law.